I feel so blessed.  In the last few years I have both created and joined several supportive communities connected to different areas of my life. Last week I had the pleasure of once again going to an event sponsored by my amazing business coach, Shanda Sumpter.

Did I learn a lot?  Yes.   Did I get inspired?   Yes.   Did I take some more steps towards the future I want to create?    Yes.   Is that the best thing that happened there?  No.

The most powerful thing that happened to me last week was experiencing the power of community.  I was reminded how powerful it is to surround yourself with people who truly believe in you, and who are ready to be there for you as you step into your greatest self. In the presence of my supporters, I was able to make some very difficult decisions, face some of my biggest fears, step through them and no longer let them hold me back. One of those decisions was to join a group of businesswomen training for a race on August 17^th.   This is scary because, as you all know, I broke my ankle a few months ago and am still struggling with walking.  I will tell you more about this next week 🙂 .  

Today I want to talk about teaching our girls how to pick their community. When your daughter was younger, you had control over her friends, setting play dates and choosing where and with whom she spent her time.  As your teen transitions into adolescence, you no longer get to choose her friends, which is a good thing. Learning to choose the right friends is a core skill that has tremendous impact on our lives.   As a teen, your friends and peer group become a critical part of your life.  The group of friends your teen chooses will determine how she feels about herself, where and how she will be spending her time and often, the choices she will make. While the choice is ultimately up to your daughter, talking to her about choosing the right friends can be very important.

While I am a big fan of the direct approach, this is an area in which I would recommend subtlety, using opportunities that come up to relay this message. No one likes to be told who they should be friends with, and there are many emotions that get triggered when parents make suggestions.  In addition, teens struggle with the desire to be accepted, popular, to be like everyone else and more.

The first thing you can do is be a good example. Who are the friends in your life? How do you treat them and how do they treat you? Our modeling is critical – do not underestimate it!

Second is finding opportunities to talk about the qualities we look for in a friend. Share how someone has been a good friend to you, or you to them, or how you have seen her be a good friend to someone else. Another option is finding the opportunity during casual conversation to explore what your teen likes and appreciates in certain friends, or dislikes in others.  The important thing is that the comments are natural and flowing.

Here are some examples of qualities to look for in a friend:

Honesty. 
A good friend tells the truth. They may not share every detail of their life, but they share with integrity.  They don’t misrepresent themselves to you or prevaricate about situations, and when something doesn’t seem right, they let you know.

Attentive.
 A good friend listens to you and notices things about you. They can usually tell when you’re happy, sad, excited, shocked or upset. If they realize that they have annoyed you, they try to work out a compromise.

Supportive.
  A good friend builds you up. They make you feel good about yourself, they understand what makes you tick, and they will help you be the person you want to be. They won’t try to change who you are, drag you into situations that make you uncomfortable, or put you at risk of losing something that matters to you.

Trustworthy.
 A true friend won’t gossip about you,  try to damage your reputation,  try to steal your girlfriend or boyfriend,  or your job.  A good friend will be there for you when you’re in trouble.

Compassionate.
  A good friend cares about you. Different people may express that care in different ways.   One person might offer a hug, another might gently tease you.  Generally, if someone knows what’s going on in your life and acts interested about it, you can be fairly certain that they care about you.

Loyal.
  A good friend sticks with you even when you make mistakes. When you bottom out on the test, when your parents get divorced, when you act totally “uncool” in front of the football team, your friend will still be there.

Accepting.
  A true friend understands you and doesn’t try to change you. They roll with the punches as you grow and change, and know how to handle your faults. They are also accepting of your other friends and do not try to dominate all of your time.

Forgiving.
  Friends sometimes hurt each other, but they know how to apologize and forgive.

Feel free to print this list, stick it on your fridge or in another place as a good reminder.

To a week full of wonderful community and friendship.

Much Love and Support

Tova