Last week I became an aunt again!

My sister had a beautiful baby boy and I could not be more excited about the arrival of the newest addition to the family.  But with all the excitement and celebration of his birth, it was also a very clear reminder to me that I live 5000 miles away from home.

As I sat watching my new nephew enter in to a covenant with God at his bris, or as it called in English, circumcision ceremony, I watched my family and friends via Skype on my iPad.  I am grateful for the technology allowing me to virtually “be there” but, I was really wishing that I could be there in person.

I will be far away from my family this winter vacation.  But for many of you this time of year is when families who don’t always get to see each other come together, whether celebrating Christmas or just enjoying winter break.  

Being on vacation and taking part in family activities and time with your relatives can bring a lot of pleasure, coming together and creating new memories, enjoying old traditions and coming up with ideas for new ones.  Yet for some, this time of year can also be filled with challenges for a variety of reasons, and has the potential to generate stress and conflict, especially for your teen girl.

Here are a few suggestions to navigating this family time with your teen girl:

1. Let her be part of the decision making

Although you’ve most likely made all of the arrangements for the holidays, find areas where you can be flexible and give your daughter the opportunity to make decisions and take ownership of the activities you will be doing as a family.  Depending on her age, it might be choosing a place to eat, or what movie to watch. This will allow her to express her need for control and independence.

2. Bond with your daughter

This is a great time of year to spend some quality time with your daughter. Use the opportunity to teach her how to prepare a family recipe, create a new tradition together, or just go out for some hot chocolate.  It’s rare to have time when you are both off, so make that extra effort to spend some one on one time.

3. Give her some alone time

Whether you are hosting or going away, your teen girl needs some alone time to decompress.  Family demands can be especially difficult when you are a teen. Trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, cabin fever, and intense family time can sometimes lead to conflicts and misunderstanding.  If there is tension among other members of your family, your daughter can most likely feel it, even though she may not be aware of the details.  Giving her time to take a break will benefit everyone.

4. Volunteer as a family

The holidays are an excellent time to give back to those in need. Local soup kitchens, churches, food banks and hospitals are always in need of a helping hand. You can also get involved with a toy drive or adopt-a-family-in-need program, or raise money for a cause close to your heart. There is endless research that shows how volunteering can change perspective, develop awareness, appreciation, responsibility and more. Choosing to volunteer as a family makes it clear what your family values are. Just make sure to plan this ahead, and contacting your local charity or shelter in advance for their volunteer policies.

I would like to leave you with one last thought. The holidays are a great time to strengthen your connection with your daughter. There are multiple opportunities to engage, taking the time to have meaningful conversations.  This is something that can sometimes be challenging when involved in our regular routine.  If you’re trying to connect with your girl and she does not seem eager to engage with you, I would like to encourage you to do consider the following. Find an adult that you trust who can be a mentor to your daugther. It’s important to help your girl find someone who she can talk to about the things that she does not seem comfortable discussing with you. Even when you have a positive relationship, most teens are reluctant or unwilling to share certain things with their parents – can you remember holding back from your parents when you were a teen?   Consider ways to guide her toward someone who could be the right mentor for her.

Wishing those who are celebrating a Merry Christmas and for all of us a wonderful new year full of love and connection and successful communication!

Much Love and Support
Tova