This week- Answering your most pressing questions

I recently got an email from Linda, who wanted to know how she can tell when her daughter is being disrespectful.  Often when they are driving in the car together her daughter does not want to talk. Her husband feels it is disrespectful, she is not sure, what do you think?

I know many of you are hoping that I will give you a clear and simple answer to this question.   But let’s face it – when we’re talking about teen girls, there are very few simple answers.

I have given a lot of thought to the topic of disrespect over the years, as I have observed different expectations in families I’ve encountered.

I clearly remember visiting a friend’s home when I was 15, and eating dinner with her family. Her mother went into attack mode when she began  eating with her mouth open. In my family of origin, I am the one who tries to get my father to work on his manners at the table (well, truth be told, at this point I have given up). What in my friend’s house  was considered extremely disrespectful, was behavior that was not endorsed by my mother in our house while, but was not considered a sign of disrespect.   Instead, my mother would inject some humor, with the hope that we would not take after my father (though when I was a teen the way my father ate embarrassed me to death).

In order to clarify if your daughter is being disrespectful, I would suggest that you consider two important issues:

• What are my boundaries and expectations.  Every family has a different set of rules, expectations and behaviors that are acceptable and encouraged.  This may sound obvious, but you want to make sure that you are clear to yourself and your family about what these are.  When you get clear, it’s important that  you prioritze – what matters to you more, and what can you live with. Not everything has the same level of importance and you should be clear in  your communication with your daughter what is high on  your priority list.  (You may remember my example from the past- cleaning up your room is not the same as drunk driving – do you react the same to both?)  When everyone is clear on the house rules and expectations, it is easier to understand the underlying messages in your daughter’s behavior.
• Get to know your daughter.  Each girl is a special unique individual. No matter how many kids you have, no two kids are the same.  The best way to know if your daughter is being intentionally disrespectful is by getting to know her and her full scale of emotions and reactions.  Practice being attentive.

Being clear about your expectations, getting to really know your daughter and learning to read the messages underlying her behavior, will help you shift your reactions to her.  You will be able to make the move from seeing her behaviors as disrespectful to creating an environment of mutual respect.

Often being disrespectful, or as it is sometimes referred to, “acting out”, even though it may manifest as withdrawing, is usually a response to something going on in your daughter’s life. Her behavior might be about your relationship, but it could just as easily be about something going on with a friend or in school.  When you encounter a reaction that you don’t like,  this is the time to take a deep breath, not get offended even if it hurts (like when she tells you “you are the worst mother in the world”) and try to gently explore what the behavior is really about. This is a great time to work on communication and not buy into exacerbating the breakdown.

How do you respond when your daughter is “acting out” or withdrawing ?

What concrete steps can you take today to change how you are reacting?

If you are feeling confused or want some help, I am here for you.

Much love and support

Tova