I am SO excited my parents are coming to town!
From the time I moved out of the house after my army service and completing my BA, I lived a 15-minute walk from my parents.
I was close enough to come over when I wanted some TLC, and far enough away to have my own life. Living half way across the world, I only get to see them now a couple of times a year.
Like I said, I am excited. But with the excitement comes the realization that we will be spending a lot of time in a small space together.
While I am no longer a child, when we spend time with our parents, we tend to revert right back to our teen year patterns and dynamics.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because the holiday season is almost here, and with it comes increased time with both our immediate and extended families.
Coming together can bring a lot of pleasure, creating new memories as we enjoy old traditions. Yet for many, this time of year can be filled with challenges for a variety of reasons, and has the potential to generate both stress and conflict.
I would like to offer a few suggestions to help you navigate this family time with your teen:
1. Take a look at how you are showing up.
Always start with yourself. What is happening to you when you see your extended family? Are you showing up as the adult you are today, or getting pulled back into old, unhealthy dynamics? Make sure you are getting the support you need to stay in your adult mode!
2. Let her be part of the decision-making.
Although you have probably made many of your plans for the holiday, try and be flexible, and allow your daughter to make decisions about some of the activities you will be sharing as a family. Depending on her age, it could be choosing a place to eat, or a movie to watch together. This will allow her to express her need for control and independence.
3. Bond with your daughter.
This is a great time to spend some quality time with your daughter. Use the opportunity to teach her how to cook a family recipe, create a new tradition together, or just go out for some hot chocolate. It is rare to have time when you are both available, so take advantage of the chance to spend some one-on-one time.
4. Give her some alone time.
Whether you are hosting or going away, your teen needs some time alone to decompress. Family demands can be especially difficult when you are a teen. Trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, cabin fever, and increased family time can lead to conflicts and misunderstanding.
If there is tension in your home, your daughter can probably feel it, even if she’s not aware of the details.
Giving her time to take a break will benefit everyone.
5. Respect her personal space and her ownership of her body.
Often in family gatherings there have been an expectation to kiss and hug everyone and anyone. Having this expectation relays the message that your daughter does not get a choice over who touches her. She must cooperate so as not to insult or make anyone feel bad. There are expectations to show connection and love, just because she is told to. This message disempowers your daughter and teaches her that it is okay to let others decide what is right for her. She is getting the message that it is better to do something that is uncomfortable than not hurting someone else’s feelings. Let your teen decide for herself if and who she wants to hug or kiss.
6. Volunteer as a family.
The holidays are an excellent time to give back to those in need. Local soup kitchens, churches, food banks and hospitals are always in need of a helping hand. You can also get involved with a toy drive or adopt-a-family-in-need program, or raise money for a cause close to your heart. There is endless research that shows how much volunteering can change perspective, develop awareness, appreciation, responsibility and much more. Choosing to volunteer as a family makes it clear what your family values are.
Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season.
Much Love and Support,
Tova
