I was working with one of my clients recently, helping her think about ways to support her younger daughter who is just entering puberty. One idea was to enlist the help of her older teen sister. As we were talking strategy and ideas, my client asked if we could use the same kind of approach when it came to academics.
This started a great conversation about what is really important in school – is it that her daughter gets good grades, is it that she excels, and to what end?
She was clear that for her, the most important thing is that her daughter get good grades, as she shared the need to push her to get all A’s. But she also expressed her concern that her daughter acquires life and learning skills, and to be able to explore and make mistakes and choices. I was honored when she admitted to me that even knowing the importance of letting her daughter make her own way through school, she can’t help worrying that her daughter won’t succeed and won’t get into a good college.
I can only imagine how hard it was for her to admit this. It is a completely natural concern. We all want our daughters to succeed. How could we want anything else? And when everyone around us seems so focused on making sure their children get into an Ivy League college by getting straight A’s, volunteering in 20 places, and having a jam- packed schedule with all of the “right” activities, it’s hard not to play the game, or at least wonder if you are perhaps doing it wrong.
I am here to tell you, you are not! You are doing great!
By choosing not to play the game, you are equipping your daughter with life skills that will serve her for the rest of her life. By allowing her to fail, you are teaching her how to succeed, and to take responsibility and ownership over her accomplishments. You are teaching her that it is okay to make mistakes, learn from them, and strive to do better next time.
This past year I spent some time coaching some college age women, going to a top ranking university here in NYC. They followed the path just described, and they are all struggling now. Why? Because they never got less than an A before. They worked themselves hard in high school, or depended on their parents to swoop in and save them. They have a hard time accepting feedback, because they were never told before that they were wrong or that it might be better to do something differently. They can no longer handle the lack of sleep and endless hours of studying to keep up. It’s not because they are not smart – they are. But the pace and the pressure are just not the best fit for them. It is heart breaking to witness their struggle.
I am here to assure you that even if your worst nightmare should come true and your daughter does not graduate from high school, it is still not the end of the world. Why? Ask the many successful adults who lived that story, got their act together and are extremely successful. It is never too late to get on track. But there is only one time period in life where you get to explore, make mistakes and be supported by your parents in a safe and loving environment – don’t take that away from your teens!!
Use the summer to reconnect with your daughter, outside of the pressure of the school year. Find out what she really loves, what makes her happy, what she is worried about, and most importantly, what does she think would be the best way for you to support her (hint – listen to her and be present).
I am here to support you as you let go of what others think, trusting that you are doing the best you can, and knowing that your daughter’s choices are a reflection only of her and where she currently is in her life.
Sending you much love and support,
Tova
