Last week my good friend Josani came to town. She was visiting from Brazil with her 17 year old daughter Natasha, who was auditioning for several preforming arts college programs.

I decided to spend the day with her as she filled the “good mother” role by sitting in the waiting room for hours, waiting for her daughter to be called in for an interview, and then to an audition. The three of us spent our morning getting to know each other better.

I remarked to Natasha that she seemed very relaxed for someone who was about to go in to an interview, closely followed by an audition. Natasha responded with a smile.  She told me it would not be the end of the world for her if she was not accepted.   She had her mother’s full support to pursue her dream.   If nothing came of this interview, she would continue applying to schools until she found the one that would accept her.   Throughout the  morning Josani and Natasha  shared stories with me about other applicants they had met.

It got me thinking about the role mothers play, in the attitudes, and hopefully successes of their daughters, as they face the challenges of life. 

They had met many interesting applicants during the ten days of interviewing, and I got to meet some of them myself that day.  I tried to identify the types of teens we met:

The nervous wreck– those who saw every auditioning experience as life or death. They “had to” be accepted, and failure was not an option. One girl was so nervous she started hyper­-ventilating, as both of her parents did their best to calm her down.

The dependent – those who wanted to be accepted,  but were not quite ready to leave home. One of the conversations Natasha shared with me took place between a young man and his mother.  He told her he did not want to go to school out west because he wouldn’t  get to hang out with his friends anymore. When she reminded him that he no longer hangs out with that group of friends,  he pretty  much admitted that he liked the comforts of home, and couldn’t think of a good reason to go off on his own.

The over- confident- these could best be described as those who believe they deserve to succeed and that they are fabulous performers. This did not necessarily correlate with talent.  They often do not have the ability to self-reflect.

The confident – Those who seem to tell themselves “I do my best and it is okay if I don’t succeed this time.”   These teens had varying degrees of appropriate nervousness, but what they had in common was the understanding that success or failure in this audition did not define who they are.

While I was there I tried doing a little bit of research (I couldn’t help myself) and spoke to a few parents and teens out in the hall.   I tried to gently explore the correlation between the teens’ reactions and attitudes and those of the parents.

What I discovered did not surprise me,  and corresponded to what I have seen in my own work. No matter what the personality of the teen,  the choices their parents made at home were reflected in the teens’ attitudes and behaviors as they interfaced with the outside world.

We can teach our daughters to constructively handle disappointment.  When we support a sad daughter who does not get the part she wanted in the school play, we are teaching her to deal with disappointment, a normal part of every adult life.

We can teach our daughters to deal with the consequences of their actions.  For example, when our teen chooses not to do her homework, we can choose not to “save” her, by writing her an excuse or doing it for her.  The parental instinct may be to save and protect her, but this only reinforces the behavior.  More than once my father sent me off to school with a hug and an expectation that I would figure out how to take responsibility for my own actions.  This taught me an invaluable lesson – whatever choices I make, there are consequences.  By not “saving” your daughter,  you are teaching her not only that her actions have consequences and she needs to figure out how to deal with them. This will teach her to think before she acts  and to live with the results of her own mistakes.

We can teach our daughters that overcoming failure is the path to success.   When we can bounce back from our failures, we learn resilience. The most successful people in the world have often failed far more times than they have succeeded.  The only reason they are successful is because of their resilence, their ability to handle and process failure, and learn from their mistakes.  This may be your teen’s chance to learn how to fail like a champion, to dust herself off and go on to be the successful woman she is capable of becoming.

In anticipation of what some of you may be asking yourselves,  I will go ahead and answer.   I am not saying you shouldn’t  support and help your daughter.  You should be there for her and on her side 100%. But the best way to do that is to help her think through whatever situation she has found herself in,  and support her in coming up with her own solutions to move forward, taking responsibility for her actions and learning from her mistakes.

What skills are you teaching your daughter? Are you teaching her what she needs to know to become a resilient and successful adult?

What is one thing you can do today to teach your daugther this valuble lesson?  Reply to this email and share your experience with me, I would love to hear what works and where you are challenged.

Much Love and Support

Tova