I’ve recently been asking my clients a very potent question; what is going right in your relationship with your teen?

I was standing at a New York bus stop this past week when a little girl looked up at me, very carefully examining my crutches and my boot. I smiled back at her and she said to me “you are so lucky”. I was not really sure what to do, so I laughed and said thank you- but can I ask you why? And her response was simple “You only hurt one leg, so you can still go wherever you want”.

The bus arrived and I was left with her words as her nanny whisked her away to the back of the bus. I will admit I was not feeling particularly lucky that day trying to navigate NY on crutches. This little smart girl got me thinking about gratitude. What it means to appreciate what you have, every day, the small things and the big things. How often to we find ourselves focusing on what we don’t have and what is going wrong?

What percentage of your interactions with your Daughter are about the things she is doing wrong?

Not cleaning her room, doing her homework, not listening to you…. and how often do you thank her and praise her for actually doing what you asked her to do, or on the rare occasion she does something without being asked? How often do we just take these moments for granted and let them pass by?

We tend to only focus on what we are grateful for during holidays and after a crisis, this leaves us most of the time focusing on what is going wrong. This can often lead our girls to feel and believe that all they do is wrong and they are not good enough.

If we can shift this and spend most of our time in appreciation of what is going right, modeling giving gratitude everyday for big and small things and when necessary share what could be done differently, we create an environment in which we are growing together. Where we put our focus and attention is what we will be getting back in return.

Take a few moments and ask yourself; how much of the time I spend communicating with my daughter am I telling her what she is doing right? What do I appreciate about her and have I told her? Whether it is something big and meaningful, or just being grateful that she did something small you asked her to do, like clean up her room, have you told her you noticed?

So what moments have you experienced with your Daughter recently that you are grateful for?  Where is she challenging you? How are you spending your time together? Are you focusing more on praise or criticism?  Are you finding it hard to find the balance?

Quick Appreciation Exercise – Try it!

Want to take it a step further? Tonight before you go to bed go in to your daughters bathroom write her name in lipstick on the mirror and let her know three things you love about her. When you see her in the morning challenge her to do the same for you. See if you can keep it up for a week and let me know what happens

For those in America have a happy thanksgiving, for those celebrating, Happy Hanukkah, and for all of us, may this be one day of many when we remember to be grateful for all the wonderful things we are so lucky to have and take action to make changes to create the reality we want in area’s where we are not quite there.

Much Love and Support
Tova