A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of choosing friends. I got many comments asking me to share about one of the other aspects of choosing friends, and that is letting friends go.
In the same way that we want to help our girls understand the power of a good friendship, one that helps and supports them, and encourages them to be their best, we also want to help them identify when a friendship is no longer a friendship.
To a teen girl, her friends define her world. And it can be a very painful process if she finds out they are not the friends she had thought they were.
Some of the signs of a friendship gone wrong are:
FEEL FREE TO PRINT AND PUT ON THE FRIDGE
Talking behind your back– if your “friends” are talking about you with other girls, telling stories and spreading rumors – true or false – they are not being your friend!
Not willing to compromise in disagreement – every friendship has disagreements, it is part of life and relationships. But if your friend insists that all disagreements end with a solution that makes her happy and never you, that is not a friendship.
Putting you down– good friends are ones that are always supporting you to be your best self. They help you to see all the great things about who you are, the things we can’t always see in ourselves. If your friend is putting you down and pointing out all of your flaws, they are not being a friend.
Only YOU can be my friend- friendship is not exclusive. You can and should be friends with many girls. If your friend wants you to let go of all of your other friends, that is being manipulative. And if she can’t accept you having other friends, it is time to step away.
Encourages you do things against your instinct and what feels right – always listen to the voice inside you that tells you what is right! That first thought that pops into your head is your inner knowing – follow it and you will be on the right path. Never let any friend make you do something that does not feel right. All you have to say is “No thank you – not interested” with confidence.
You are not trapped in a bad friendship. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world to end a bad friendship, but continuing to be abused is much worse. I love you and you deserve only the best, because you are the best and your friends should think so too!!!
If it is time for your daughter to end a friendship, here are a few suggestions you can make to her:
Encourage your daughter to talk to her friend in a polite and direct manner. You may want to practice with her so she can try out what she is going to say, and speak with confidence. Everyone makes mistakes, and the first step should be to give her friend the opportunity to change her ways. Often hurtful behavior is generated by fear. As a first step, help your daughter learn to express her feelings. Help her to articulate that she is feeling uncomfortable and she would like the relationship to change.
You can use the I-Message format:
When (objectively describe the behavior)
Then (what are the implications of the behavior)
I feel (what feelings are coming up for her)
This format for direct communication helps eliminate defensiveness – objective descriptions don’t put you on the defense, and it is hard to disagree with feelings.
If this does not work, and your daughter’s friend is not open to change, then help your daughter figure out how to simply explain that this friendship is not working out. Help her to find the words to say that it would be better to end the friendship now on good terms, rather than on bad terms in the future.
Friendship is tricky, make sure you are not trying to tell your daughter who to be friends with – she won’t listen and will end up being mad at you. Or, even worse, she might start hanging out with the wrong people just to make you angry! Instead, give her the tools to identify what works for her and what does not, and help her when she is ready to let go of a friend.
Share what you think below in the comments, and how this is working for you!
Much love and support
Tova
